Hey, Y'all!

Get In Shape, Girl

A few weeks ago, I wrote about taking control of my health, namely my weight.  It's now been almost a month since we started our daily workouts at the theatre over our lunch hour. I feel SO good.  I can tell I've dropped a little weight, but I haven't weighed myself.  I think constantly staring at a scale is counter-productive to me, as I'll put pressure on myself to achieve a certain number, losing sight of the goal of overall health.  I go to the doctor next week, so I'll see what I weigh then.  I did buy some new clothes last weekend, and the pants were a smaller size than what I've been wearing, so there's that.

 

We have been mixing up our workouts a little.  The 30-Day Shred, level 1, is our go-to, but this week, we started mixing in Richard Simmons' original Sweatin' To The Oldies.  I got this DVD because I have fond memories of doing the video with my mom over the summer when I was a 5th or 6th grader. I remembered it being more like a fun dance than a workout.  I figured it would give us a nice break from Jillian Michaels (and believe me, you need a break sometimes), but would still keep us active.  Y'all.  I sweat more doing Richard Simmons than I ever do with the Shred.  The beginning is pretty gentle, a nice three-song warm up, featuring some silly moves, including what we all call The Original Twerk.  Then comes "Great Balls of Fire," where you do the twist for 3 and a half minutes.  No wonder people were so skinny in the 60s.  "Wipeout" is next, and you get a killer cardio workout.  It's so much fun, but it also kicks your tail. And you can't get mad at Richard Simmons. Seriously. The man is so happy. And just when you start getting frustrated, he'll start singing or scream out "We're on Broadway!" or something to make you giggle.

Taking control of my fitness makes me feel good. My body is craving good food, so it's easier to eat right.  I'm drinking a ton of water, as usual, maybe even MORE than usual.  Most importantly, I know I'm doing SOMETHING to better myself.  I'll report back after my doctor's appointment.

Taking Control

At my last nephrologist appointment, the doctor doubled my dose of blood pressure medication.  I knew that was going to happen. I can always tell when it's running high by the little headache behind my eyebrow.  What surprised me a little was that it wasn't really related to my kidney function, which was perfect. (Woo hoo!)  Work has been stressful, so that could be part of it, but so could my weight.  While I do a good job of avoiding sodium in my diet, I've been doing a fairly bad job (for a while) of controlling my calories. So I've decided to take control.

A group of about 5 of us have been working out on our lunch break each day for the past week or so.  Usually, we do level 1 of the 30 Day Shred, which is NO JOKE.  Today we took a Pilates class.  It helps that we have each other. We keep each other accountable. When the ladies from the administrative office show up over here in production wearing sweats, I close my door, change my clothes, and go downstairs.  No excuses.  We're lucky that we have a dance studio and a small theatre space downstairs where we can work out each day.

I'd love to lose 20 pounds.  But more than that, I'd love to decrease my BP meds and just feel healthier overall.  I want to tone up and feel better about my appearance.

And I can do it. I AM doing it.

We shall be fit and gorgeous.

Shape. It. Up.

I have to lose some weight. I know, I know, we ALL say that. But seriously. It's gotten out of control.  I fully realize that I am not obese or gross (even though I feel pretty dang gross right now), but I am chubby. What's more, I am not eating healthy things like I should.  I have been very, very bad about watching my salt lately. My hands were swollen this morning and I was quite disappointed in myself because I know it's  direct result of the Thai food I inhaled last night.  My work friends and I have all been eating our feelings through a rough spot at work, but that spot is ending and we need to shape up.

Naturally, this means I am baking these cookies right now.  Just because I need to stop eating junk doesn't mean those I love can't have a treat.

Dean had a great time doing swim lessons earlier this summer, so we're considering a family membership at the YMCA. I can use the gym, he can swim, everyone wins.  Will it be fun getting up at 5:30 every other day to go work out? NO IT WILL NOT.  Will I like not having a belly and cellulite? You betcha!

My main downfall is restaurant lunches.  Not only do they damage my pocketbook, they are murder for my waistline.  We all love the grilled cheese truck that comes near our office, but my blood pressure and cholesterol levels would prefer that I abstain from the melty goodness.  I made up a big batch of quinoa salad this morning (black beans, sundried tomatoes, quinoa, onion, yellow bell pepper, Mexican spices) for my lunches this week, and I'll be making a "healthier" veggie pizza with a boring whole grain crust later today. (It's actually not that bad.)

So wish me luck, friends.  I would love to lose 20 pounds, but I am not going to pressure myself. I just want to be healthy.

What's Going Down

My side gig, and a big part of my heart, is coming to an end this week as Food Lush and our sister site, Style Lush, close their virtual doors.  It's been such a great couple of years writing for the site and getting to know the other writers, my Lush Family.  But it's time to move on, on to new adventures.

I'm still enjoying my job and still learning how to live a more slow-paced, calm life. I'm loving the extra time it gives me with Dean and Marcus and I feel great.  I don't think I realized just how fried I was until I had a break. But now I'm preparing 90% of my meals instead of eating 90% of them out, I'm filling my car with gas once a week instead of four times, and I'm sleeping. It's nice.

I have a few blog ideas brewing, some on my own, some with others. I'm excited to re-embrace (is that a word?) my little corner of the web as I get to know this different version of  myself. I hope you'll tag along for the ride.

Calm

I've seen a lot of people adopting words for this year. If I had to choose one, I guess it would be CALM.  The past couple of weeks have blown my mind in a good way. I imagined I'd like my job, but that a little part of me might leave the office sad every day, missing the fast-paced life of a production stage manager, wishing I were in rehearsal or coordinating 40 costume fittings.  While I certainly do miss some things about my old job, I am so incredibly happy right now.  My job is quite fulfilling--I'm using my stage manager brain CONSTANTLY. My entire day consists of creative problem-solving, trouble-shooting, soothing hurt feelings, maintaining relationships and organizing details.  I'm enjoying the work and the people. I was, I admit, very worried about feeling isolated--I work in a cubicle, pretty much on my own unless someone needs me. But people need me a lot. I talk to our presenters on the phone a lot and I walk over to the production offices several times a day to check in about this and that.  My job really is a nice balance of production and administration. The best part, though, is that when I'm done with my workday at 4:30, I can stand up and walk away, knowing that I won't be dealing with anything else work-related until 8:30 the next morning.

My mommy guilt has dissolved and I cannot tell you the freedom that I feel.  My family looks at each other's faces again. We are not rushing through things like we had to before. There's plenty of time for us to "waste" twenty minutes when we get home relaxing on the couch, doing our own thing, before we delve into "how was your day?"  Dean wants to tell me what he did at school and, because I work at a place he thinks is super cool, he wants to hear what I did, too.  We make and eat dinner together at a leisurely pace every night, not just once or twice a week.  I have put Dean to bed every night for the past 10 days and it has been glorious. I feel so well-rested. I'm on top of housework. Marcus and I have time to hang out together and talk or goof around on the internet (FAIL videos are our new favorite) instead of spending the little time we have together talking about logistics or figuring out who can find a sitter for that week. I know things won't always seem so easy, but right now, this is so wonderful.

It was hard to walk away from my job, but I know now that it was absolutely the right thing for us right now.  This is the speed at which we need to be living at this moment. 

I saw a quote on Pinterest the other day that said, "I will be happy with a calm life." I think that's my new mantra.

 

2012

This has not been my favorite year ever.  It started out fine, with an insanely busy rep season at work. Dean turned 4, which is my favorite age so far. I turned 35 which seemed incredibly silly and funny to me for some reason.  Things were ok until March came along with a blow that knocked me down and still hasn't allowed me to stand up as straight as I once did. I lost my Mim and things have not been the same since. Sure, it's gotten easier, but it's also gotten harder in some ways, which I did not expect. 

May was a good month, with our Rep season ending on a very high note. The last week of that season is one I'll always remember. I worked with great people, did great shows, and played hard.  People seemed to be in a hightened state of awareness that week. Many of us were about to part ways, at least for a while, and people actually said what was on their minds. The goodbyes I said and heard that week were incredible.

The summer was hot. Marcus and I both gained weight, which stunk, I did a really fun musical, the guys were able to stay with me in the town where I worked, and we got to go on vacation with our family.  In August, I saw my nephrologist, who decided it would be a great idea for me to give up caffeine. Thinking this would never happen, I went with a cold-turkey approach, immediately cutting down to one cup of coffee per day.  I have not had a Coke Zero since October. Ok, that's a lie, I had one at the movies the other night. But you know? I won't have another one.  It tasted like chemicals, gave me a headache, made my stomach bubbly, kept me awake and gave me heart flutters.  No thanks.  I'll stick to my 96 ounces of water (and about as many trips to the bathroom, thank you, hydration).

Dean started his second year of preschool in the fall. I can't get over how much he's changed in these past few months. (More about that in his birthday post on the 5th of January.)  Things started getting harder at work in those months and the balance between home and the job got extremely difficult.   I went through the hardest tech week of my life, sleepwalked through Thanksgiving, and tried desperately to provide Dean with the magical Christmas I wanted him to have this year. (I'd say that was a success.)  I hit the wall and made the decision to leave my job, a job for which I was perfect, a job I adored. It was absolutely the right decision because no matter how much I loved the job, it was no longer worth the time it took me away from Dean and Marcus. It's been a long time since I've started a new job, but I'm looking very forward to it.

Just when we thought we were cruising toward a peaceful end to the year, my dad had a mild stroke. He is doing GREAT, following his therapy and medication schedule perfectly, and is expected to make a full recovery, but goodness. That'll make your blood pressure rise.

So many friends have experienced sickness, loss and hardship, and for some reason, it seems like there are more of these things around this year than before. Maybe it's the age we all are, maybe it's just been that kind of year. We were certainly all put together at the exact right time to support each other through it all.

I would not call 2012 an awful year. There have been some very happy spots. But this will always stand out as the year we lost Mim, the year of the great job debacle, and the year of the awful food poisoning, which I had in September.

So bring it on, 2013. 13's always been kind of a lucky number for me, so show me what you've got! And please, be nice.

Happy new year, everyone!

Permission

After four and a half years of trying to do everything right, I'm giving myself permission to stop.  I AM a good enough mother.  I'm not going to screw Dean up.  I'm not going to let any joy get sucked out of my life because I don't think I'm following whatever imaginary rulebook of perfect motherhood has been screaming from my head.

I give myself permission to play.  The house will get cleaned when it gets cleaned.  I'd rather build Lego cities with Dean.

I let myself off the hook for letting my child watch tv, for telling him to entertain himself while I make dinner, for refusing to carry him to the bathroom.  I do not have to do everything for him. In fact, I shouldn't.

I will not repeat WILL NOT feel guilty about my job.  It provides for my family and I love it.  I give myself permission to enjoy every second of the Christmas show I'm working on, especially since it's my favorite time of year. I'm surrounded by a great team and it's going to be fun. I will proudly bring my family to see the last performance of the run.

I will enjoy every second of my free time until I start work on said Christmas show.  I will let go of the need to answer emails instantaneously. (Or at least, I'll try to.)

I will go on outings with my husband (this is a long-term one) and not feel guilty about the money we're spending or the fact that we hired a sitter.  We need that time together out of our house. 

I am a good enough mom.  Dean is thriving.  I want to enjoy his childhood, not fear it. So I'm letting myself off the hook, giving myself permission to let go because I want to and I need to.  Life's too short to dwell on doing everything right.

Narrator

You know how when you're reading a really good book with a really good narrator you sometimes let that slip over into your reality and you start hearing narration in your head as you just go through your life?  No? Yes? It can't just be me.  Except I like to pronounce it "Na'RAY-torrr," as though I have a British accent. Narrator is one of my favorite words to hear spoken in a British accent, followed closely by "yogurt." (They say, "Yah-gurt.")

I finished THE GREEN MILE this weekend.  It's the best book I've read in a WHILE. I was tickled to learn from the book's forward that the story was first published as a serial novel in 6 installments.  I liked the movie a lot when I saw it in the theatre back in 1999. I watched it on tv last week and decided I simply must find the book.  After striking out at the library, I found it (actually, Marcus found it) on iBooks for $5.99, so I bought it on my iPad. I started late Friday evening and finished Sunday at 12:58am. It's a 498 page book. I read over 250 pages on Sunday.  I literally could not put it down.  Marcus and Dean went on about their business while I devoured the story.  It was one of those rare instances where I think the movie just about did the book justice and where seeing the movie first actually helped me enjoy the book more.  I could see Tom Hanks and that small, sad cell block called The Green Mile.  It was sad but wonderful.

All day, I've found myself hearing narration for everything I've done, almost as though I'm planning out how I'd write it in my memoirs. (Or on my blog.)  I don't mind--it makes me aware of things. I thought of how nice and crisp the air feels today in this first official week of autumn.  I made a strong mental note of exactly how Dean's long, lean body felt as I carried him to the car on our trip to the park.  He flopped down dramatically and said, "OH, Mama, you've got to CARRY me!" I obliged, even though I should have made him walk.  I obliged because he's cute and cuddly, but mostly because I'm painfully aware that this will probably be the last autum that I'm able to lift and carry him with ease and regularity.  He's getting heavy, this boy.  I thought of how I use the same fabric softener as my mom, just because it makes my clothes smell like her house and how the bedroom with my grandma's furniture in it smells exactly like HER house and how much I never want that smell to fade.  I wondered why on earth I bought the ugly pink shirt that's been sitting unworn in the top of my closet since March, and finally decided it was never going to look any better, no matter how much time passed, then threw it into the "donate" bag.

Sometimes it's nice to hear that narrator in your head, reminding you to drink in all the details.

Sit Down

I don't feel well today.  I think the cold my guys had last week has finally hit me.  Fortunately, I don't have to go in to work, so I can sit down. The problem is making myself do just that. But I'm trying.  I have my trusty water cup and my kitty here on the couch with me and we're watching the Price is Right.  For some reason, Heidi Klum is on here wearing hooker boots and "helping" each contestant. That's weird.

Have I told you I'm quitting caffeine? I visited the nephrologist and everything looked good, but there is a new study that shows caffeine aggravating the cysts I have on my kidneys. That was pretty much all I needed to hear.  My doctor was kind and gave me until February to be down to one cup of coffee.  As of yesterday, I'm already there.  I enjoyed one final Dr. Pepper 10 on Monday. It was divine. I'll miss my fizzy friends, but it's a small price to pay if it keeps me healthier.  I am now drinking my one cup of coffee in the morning, then water, water and more water.  I average 96 oz. per day. And I go to the potty a lot.

I've started brainstorming about NaNaBloPop (NaBloPoMo, that is) in November. I'll be knee-deep in rehearsals for CHRISMAS CAROL, but I want to do it. I'm thinking of short posts every day in the spirit of a gratitude journal.  Anyone care to join me?

Why Blog?

I've talked before about why I chose blogging as my outlet.  I started blogging right before I found out Dean was on his way and from there, it became a permanent fixture in my life.  I've transitioned over the years from a typical "mommy blogger" into something else.  As Tanis pointed out at Type-A last weekend, if you have a uterus and use it to reproduce, you are tagged a mommy blogger. End of story.   I pretty much agree with her. I'll always use this space to talk about Dean, but he's four now. He's not hitting milestone after milestone and some of the things he says and does just don't have a place on the internet.  He understands privacy now, and I have to respect that.  My husband is also a private person. While he provides me with at least 10 belly laughs a day, most of the things he says are better kept between us.

So why blog?

I do it as an outlet.  I do it as a release.  I do it for the relationships. 

I spent the weekend at Type-A surrounded by people who blog for a myriad of reasons.  We all took sessions and workshops to make us better.  I stretched my brain by attending sessions like "Breaking Into Podcasting," which did the important task of letting me know I do NOT want to break into podcasting. (It's important to know your limits, right?)  The sessions I liked most were "Pitch and Pitchback," which talked about working with brands, and "Blogging Ethics," which will help me in my real life job as much as my online doings. Kelby Carr, who literally wrote the book on Pinterest, and who founded Type-A Con, inspired me with her humor, ease and incredible knowledge.  I talked to a few brands, a couple that I'm excited by the possibility of working with, not necessarily to make bank, but to see how I can incorporate their products and services into my life. 

Blogging, for me, has always and will always be about the relationships.  I rode down from DC (we were visiting our family) to Charlotte with Alissa, one of my all-time favorite blogging friends.  The hours flew by as we talked excitedly about our plans for the conference, our boys, our husbands, our jobs.  We bonded over our mutual adoration of Diet Coke and giggled over stories from our youth.  The hotel was great, a very comfortable place to spend 4 days, save the talking toilet in our room (It made sounds. It was weird.) and the ice-cold shower our first day. (It eventually warmed up, thankfully.) 
There was a Panera right across the street where I could get my hazelnut coffee fix.  We met up with Kelli, who fit right into the dynamic. The three of us had a fantastic time together.  We laughed like 7th graders, talked about very deep life issues, ate fantastic food, danced, and just had some pretty awesome girl time.

Alissa made us "Bmore and Bama t-shirts.  They sparkle.  I love them muchly.

 

I saw people I had never met, some that I had seen at BlogHer, and some who before the weekend were just Twitter avatars.  I'll talk more about the people, the parties and the actual conference later. For now, though, I'm still riding the high of being with my tribe, the people who truly get why we do this.

FACT:  Bloggers LOVE cannoli.

I blog for community.  I blog for myself.  I blog for sanity and clarity and to have my voice heard by someone. 

Why do I blog?  How could I not?