I'm thrilled to see you return to our tiny little town, really I am, but there are a few things we need to get straight before we can share said tiny town during this school year.
1. If you insist on driving a vehicle the approximate size of a military tank, PLEASE learn to park it correctly. Nothing makes me angrier than having to pass up a 3/4 empty parallel parking spot because your assault vehicle is hanging over the edge. It took me years to perfect my parallel parking and I'd like to be able to show off my mad skillz.
2. Speaking of driving, it is usually a great idea to look to the left AND right when making a right turn out of the parking lot. It will often keep you from pulling out in front of people like me and it may just save a squirrel's life. Just sayin.
3. Wear clothes that fit. Save your midriff-baring shirts for the frat parties and wear something respectable to your classes. Your professors do not want to spend an hour looking at your navel, no matter how cute the jewelry in it is.
4. If I have a temporary lapse in judgment and add you as my facebook friend, please do not invite me to any Greek activities, bar crawls, poker nights or pig roasts. I will not come. I will be at home serving juice to my toddler in an Elmo sippy cup or watching Big Brother with my husband.
5. Use your words.
6. Understand that if you try to flirt with me, I WILL laugh at you. I may even snort. You have been warned.
7. I will probably giggle if you call me "Dr. Lane," but I will probably not correct you.
8. Look at my feet. The fact that there are Clarks on them should clue you in to the fact that I am not one of you. I appreciate that you think I look young, but I'm much older than you think I am. Please stop offering me free wireless for my dorm and a t-shirt for signing up for a Mastercard. I don't want them. I do, however, want those little free samples of deodorant you're giving out, so keep em coming.
9. Don't say what you think I want to hear. When I ask for your opinion, give it to me. I promise not to tell you you're wrong.
10. Yes. When enrolled in a theatre class, you DO have to see plays. Go figure.
Please let me know if you have any questions. Be warned that if you stop by my office during office hours, there is a very good chance my husband and I will be in there taking Facebook quizzes and eating Sweet Tarts.
Please note: No actual specific college students were referenced or harmed in this blog post. I ask the same courtesy in the comments section. (meaning don't use names, people!) Thanks!